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                                                ARJUN

Even in the midst of grief and longing, time has a crazy way of speeding up. It has been a month since Kiddo left for New Zealand. The past month has been both trying as well as satisfying. Trying, in the sense that, I am missing her to this extent that I feel incomplete, as if a part of me has been taken away. Satisfying, because I feel I and Kiddo are more in touch than we used to be when she was here. I call her over video every day. We exchange tons of messages. She keeps me updated about her day while I share every trivial detail about mine.

Today I have decided that I will tell her how I feel about her. The prospect of telling her my feelings terrifies me. There are so many things against my odds – the age-difference, for one. I am a decade elder to her. This fact troubles me and yet I cannot stop loving her. Then there is the fact that we both have grown up together like family. What if she views me as an elder sibling?? That thought creates havoc in my heart. Lastly, she was in love with someone else. Although I am hoping that time and distance have helped her to move on, I cannot help dreading that perhaps she is still hung up on him.

I take particular care while grooming myself. I am wearing the shirt that she had bought for me from her first salary. It brings bittersweet memories of our times spent together. All these years of togetherness and yet, I never realized my feelings for her. One moment of parting from her, and everything came crashing down.

I shake myself off these negative thoughts. I have to focus on the present moment. It is almost time for my video-call with her.

“Do I look okay?” I ask Abhimanyu who seems lost in his drawings. He looks at me, rolls his eyes and goes back to drawing. That eye-roll makes me smile. Almost a teenager, my son!

“You always look good, Papa.” He says. His hand stills for a while but then he resumes drawing trying to act as if it is not a big deal that he has referred to me as Papa for the very first time.

I, the sentimental fool, stare at him in amazement. So, this is what it feels to be addressed as a father! I walk towards him wanting to hug him tightly and to never let go. I sit beside him on the bed and watch him drawing a beautiful scene. I should have said something to him about this moment. We should have taken this opportunity to bond.

But, we are guys, through and through. So we deal with our feelings in the most ridiculous way – I tackle him on to the bed while he shrieks in laughter and we pretend to wrestle. For a few precious minutes, after his laughter subsides, he lays quietly beside me, a look of pure happiness on his face. I savour this moment eagerly. Nothing could bond us better than this candid moment of togetherness and contentment.

My phone beeps with the notification of a video call. I get up in a rush, run my hands hurriedly over my hair and hoping that I look presentable, I receive the call.

There she is – the bane of my existence, my Kiddo. She looks beautiful. But then, she always has been beautiful to me, I guess.

“Hey Kiddo. Looking good! Are you going somewhere?” I ask, trying to sound casual.

“Hi. Yeah, I am out with some of my colleagues from work. They insisted on taking me to the pub.” She casts a furtive look around, as if ensuring that there was no one around her and whispers. “I did not want to go!”

“Where are you now?” I ask, feeling oddly protective about her.

“I am waiting outside the pub. The others are yet to join me. I thought I would call you before I step inside. The din inside the pub is deafening.”

There flew my plans of telling her about my feelings. May be I could give her something to think about…

“Hey Kiddo, there is something I wanted to tell you…” Before I can say anything more, I hear someone greet her. A lady pops into the video beside Kiddo and waves at me. Then she looks at Shreya and smirks. “Your boyfriend? He is hot!”

“No! Not my boyfriend! My best friend!” The anger and indignation in Shreya’s tone baffles me. I have never seen her so angry. And suddenly, it is as if I woke up from a dream.

What was I even thinking?? I am a decade older to her! She would never be able to view me as her partner. If just the suggestion that I am her boyfriend could elicit such a strong response from her, then I cannot imagine her reaction if I actually told her that I love her. No, I cannot do that and endanger our relationship.

Kiddo looks at me, looking so lost and forlorn that I can’t help longing to be beside her and to hug her.

“Hey! What’s wrong, Kiddo?” I ask her gently.

She shakes her head and sighs. “I don’t know… I lost my cool for a second, I guess.” She smiles slightly. “You were going to say something…”

I act confused. There is no way I am going to tell her my feelings and risk losing her friendship. “Yeah… what was I going to say? I forgot.” I laugh nervously. “Probably old age catching up…”

She rolls her eyes at me. “You and I are never getting old. Remember our pact?”

I laugh at the memory of a despondent Kiddo on the evening of her thirtieth birthday when she was feeling low that she had reached her thirties. I teasingly sealed a pact with her that we both would never grow old, no matter what the years say.

“I miss you, Kiddo.” I say, trying to ignore the grief that I feel, knowing that we both would always be only friends and nothing more.

She firmly shakes her head. “Not as much as I miss you, I bet.” She looks around as a chorus of voices erupts beside her. “Right.. the group has arrived. I will call you later, okay.”

“Yeah okay. Enjoy and please drop a message after you reach home, will you?”

“Yes I will. Bye.” She disconnects the call.

All the weight of the world settles on my shoulders as I make way towards the bed where Abhimanyu is blissfully lost in drawing. I sit beside him and silently observe his drawing. “Wow. I could never make out from your initial strokes that you were drawing this scenery.”

“Well, we assume a lot from what we see.” He looks at me and grins adorably. “And often we assume it wrong.”

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